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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26259697">In the crooks of your body, I find my religon</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/KathyIsWeird/pseuds/KathyIsWeird'>KathyIsWeird</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>You Are My Sunshine [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Picard, Star Trek: Voyager</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, NSFW, i tried lol</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:07:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,975</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26259697</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/KathyIsWeird/pseuds/KathyIsWeird</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a little Janeway perspective on death and intimacy. Post “You Are My Sunshine.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kathryn Janeway/Seven of Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>You Are My Sunshine [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1893217</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>57</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>In the crooks of your body, I find my religon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>“Sweet mother, I cannot weave –<br/>slender Aphrodite has overcome me<br/>with longing for a girl.”<br/>- Sappho</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>When seven-year-old Janeway found her favorite cat dead behind the old mower in the barn, she reacted differently than most children. Phoebe had cried for weeks. Kathryn, engrossed with science and the cycle of life, understood death long before her peers. Science was her language, her main objective.</p><p>At first, it had startled her parents - they thought her reaction was much too mature for a child. But, as soon as she explained that she understood the concept of life and how everything was still energy in the universe, they backed off. Her father, who was already uncomfortable with emotion, had simply clapped her on the back and asked if she needed to talk with any of the therapists at headquarters. Her deeply empathetic mother asked if she would like to bury the feline and give it a Starfleet sendoff. She declined both offers. </p><p>Around the time she hit puberty, one of the boys at the neighbor’s farm drowned in the lake in the center of town. Kathryn’s father had originally insisted that Starfleet could have a scanner and people in the lake immediately to save him. But, the community shook their heads and ignored him. It was then that Janeway realized that while the people in the town respected her family, they did not welcome them. The way they looked at the hovercars her father drove, and the insignia on his uniform, made it very clear that they were outcasts in the traditional town. It was hard to accept at first, Janeway thought her father’s Admiral uniform was rather dashing and commanded respect. She too wanted to be an Admiral someday. The treatment of her family only compounded on her desire to leave Earth as fast as she could. </p><p>It was confounding to see the community’s blatant disregard for the ability to save one of their own. Instead, they maintained their indulgent pride and let a boy die. He had just turned thirteen. Janeway had brought him a lemon iced cake from her mother, and he had held her hand bashfully and bid her farewell. Later, when everyone had split and promised to reconvene the next morning, Kathryn put on her waders and grabbed a life jacket out of the barn. She walked around with her tiny net that normally caught fish, and scoured as much of the lake as she could before dawn approached. With empty hands and a sniffle, Janeway snuck into her bed just before dawn and told her mother she felt sick. </p><p>When they eventually found Ellis on the third day, Kathryn did not cry. Instead, she put on her overalls, grabbed an axe, and began to split wood behind the house. It was one of the household chores that she did not mind. Considering her mother would not turn the heat on until November, they relied on the fireplace to keep the temperature consistent through the cold fall months in Indiana. She chopped and chopped until her hands bled from the rough handle of the axe. Once the tips of her fingers went numb, she stopped and gathered the wood. Her parents never once mentioned her bandaged hands or the sudden surplus of kindling they had. </p><p>When her mother’s sister Martha died three weeks before her high school graduation, Janeway tried her best to take it in stride. They had never been close, but her mom was devastated. Gretchen left the farm to help take care of her sister’s estate and did not come back for almost three months. There was no party, no celebration when Kathryn got her diploma. Those three months taught Kathryn a valuable lesson. She learned that even the most formidable of humans had their breaking point. And for her father, running a home with two teenagers by himself was that point. When Janeway watched her father crumble in front of the fireplace with a glass of scotch in one hand nearly every night, he suddenly lost his superhero status in her mind. </p><p>The devastating day her father and fiance died in their tragic way, Janeway retreated into herself. To know that she failed in her duty as a partner and daughter broke every shred of confidence she had. Day after day she spent staring at the eggshell walls of her bedroom while counting the swirls on her ceiling. She laid in the fetal position so long that her hips fell out of alignment and made it difficult to walk. A few times she crawled to the bathroom on all fours to avoid any contact with her family. The heavy guilt of her inability to save the two most important men in her life had rendered her absolutely hopeless. The cycle of wallowing grief went on for weeks until Phoebe had made her so angry that she snapped out of the catatonic state she had been in. It still made her shiver when she thought about how close to death she had been at that time. She could recall a few times when she prayed to stop breathing. After all, it was only fair. </p><p>When her first crewmember died on<em> Voyager, </em> Janeway hid in her ready room and staved off a wretched bout of panic. It lasted only a few minutes, but it was enough for her to realize that emotions were not a luxury she, as Captain, was allowed. Each time she penned a letter to parents or heard the shrill wail of Boatswain’s whistle, a little bit of her disappeared into space. Eventually, death became another routine on the ship even if the pain was still just as tender as it was the first time. </p><p>During an emotional meeting in her quarters,  Kes told the Captain that she would be leaving the ship. The painful admission nearly made Janeway double over with grief. It was something she expected however, it still was quite a blow. Kathryn felt as if she was mourning the death of a child she had raised. The sweet Ocampa had become an integral part of the ship. Her kind words and pleasant demeanor had affected every single person on every deck of <em> Voyager</em>.  Kes’ final gift to them brought them closer to the Alpha Quadrant by nearly ten years - it also brought the Captain one of the greatest additions to her life. </p><p>Seven of Nine Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01, a Borg drone who was abandoned by the collective, had been taken aboard the ship and given back the humanity that had been stolen from her. It took weeks for her to even speak to them, and months before she approached them to be given a purpose. The crew was nervous around her, and she seemed disinterested in anything but finding and emulating perfection. </p><p>While that was happening, Janeway received word of the dissolution of her engagement. Had she been alone, it might have hurt more than it did. However, with a ship full of responsibilities and a full roster of people to look over, Janeway took the news in stride. She briefly mentioned the news to her Chakotay, who seemed more upset by the news than she was. </p><p>One night when paranoia and over-caffeination kept Janeway awake, she stumbled into the mess hall and was surprised when she found Neelix instructing Seven of Nine how to properly conduct herself during a meal. It warmed her heart but also made her ache for the woman. How awful it must feel to take in years of socializing in mere weeks. So, to avoid any embarrassment, Janeway left the mess hall and continued her walk around the ship. She also made a mental note to become personally involved in Seven’s development. </p><p>The next morning, Janeway made it a point to enter the mess hall at 06:00. She spotted Seven, looking uncharacteristically unsettled. So, she sat down and had one of the best discussions of her life. The way Seven relayed information about herself as if she was giving a status report was oddly endearing. Kathryn revealed more of herself than she initially planned, but there was no fallout. She was not Seven’s captain, not yet. The chain of command was not something the ex-drone had adapted to. It would take time - time that Janeway was willing to invest. At the end of their meal, Seven thanked her. Janeway, caught very off guard, could only blush and nod. The warm scarlet twinge on her cheeks lasted almost the entire day. </p><p>Over the years, she and Seven grew incredibly close. In the beginning, Janeway felt a maternal sort of love for the woman. However, as Seven began to assert her humanity and develop her identity, the love matured and shifted into something more romantic. Janeway’s constant guidance was no longer needed. Instead, Seven spoke to her as a friend. Affection between them was sporadic but the effects could linger for weeks. Their bond grew to be stronger than any relationship Janeway ever had. She saw the looks crew members gave her and heard the whispers in the hallways. But, she was a Captain and it was understood that relationships were a weakness - especially relationships with people on board the ship. </p><p>Distractions killed her father and fiance; she refused to let that happen ever again. </p><p>Kathryn pined in silence and suspected Seven did as well. Sometimes Seven would glance across the table at her during a meeting and her blood would surge. All it took was a wink from the ex-drone and Janeway would forget where she was and what she was doing. </p><p>She had it bad. </p><p>They never labeled their relationship, but Janeway just knew they were meant to be. It instilled a sense of peace in her - she would never have to seek out companionship ever again. She found her forever in the form of a particular ex-drone with a penchant for perfection. The star-crossed lover she found in the depths of the mysterious Delta Quadrant. </p><p>So, when Admiral Janeway came from the future to save Seven’s life, the Captain realized just how close she came to losing the woman she loved. When they landed, Janeway fell victim to politics and internal affairs. Admiral Nechayev cornered her and made her very aware of the danger she posed to Seven. Just being near her, put Seven at risk. She would not be able to handle it if another loved one died because of her. So, against what her heart and soul screamed at her, she did what her mind begged of her. </p><p>She left. </p><p>For a while. </p><p>Eventually, she tried to come back to Seven’s life, as a friend. It almost worked, until she got too close to the ex-drone and her resolve crumbled. They spent one glorious night together, just for Janeway to leave in the morning. </p><p>The first few years away from Seven were tortuous. Nights were filled with feverous dreams of their parting while days were spent reflecting on their single night of passion together. She envied Seven in that way. She had an eidetic memory, while Janeway eventually lost most of the details of their frantic encounter. </p><p>Just when Janeway was convinced that she could live without Seven in her life, she got wind of deception within Starfleet. Bjayzl, their operative inside the Fenris Rangers had decided to reveal her true intentions by killing Chakotay and sending Janeway correspondence all about how she did it. In the end, she indicated that Seven was worth a lot of money to them, but Icheb would do in a pinch. </p><p>Icheb, the sweet boy that Seven had taken under her wing. It made Kathryn so unbelievably proud to see Seven be able to relay the lessons about humanity that she had learned. The pair were inseparable and when Icheb graduated from the Academy, Janeway saw firsthand just how close they had gotten. His Valedictorian speech was so heartfelt and vulnerable, it affected her deeply. Afterward, she went to congratulate him and was rendered speechless by how beautiful Seven looked. </p><p>She invited Seven to join her on a walk, which led to a lapse in judgment in the hallway of the old primary wing of the school. That lapse in judgment, however, sparked something within her.</p><p>From there on out, the dreams she had changed from passionate memories of their sexual tension to domestic bliss with Seven. Sometimes they were raising Icheb and a slew of other children, sometimes they only had the animals from the barn in Bloomington. She would dream of Seven, barefoot, and bronzed from the sun. They would walk down by the lake, holding hands and laughing. Sometimes, Janeway would press Seven into her favorite tree and steal a kiss in the shade. The other times, they would spread out a blanket and have a picnic. </p><p>Sometimes, when the dream was particularly enchanting, she would cry upon waking. It hurt terribly to know that the future she chased was nearly impossible. She was too late, she was always too late. Her whole life had been a series of being too late to save the people she loved. </p><p>So, when Bjayzl sent an incredibly condescending message depicting her betrayal, Janeway and a security team took one of the fastest trips to Vergessen ever recorded. She flew the ship like an old warhorse and nearly destroyed it upon landing. The only reason they had been able to find Seven’s location was B’Elanna Torres’ conversation with her a week prior. </p><p>What she found in the second of seven domes nearly killed her. Icheb, torn apart viciously, and her precious Seven of Nine with a phaser to her head, brought the normally composed Admiral to her knees. Pure, unabashed instinct took over when she grabbed Seven by her hair and dug her heels into the cement ground. The sound of the phaser going off thundered throughout the dome and Janeway knew that once again, she had been too late. Luckily enough, she had brought the Doctor and they had been able to revive her after a three days. </p><p>When Janeway brought Seven to her quarters on Mars she broke down. Seven was out cold from the sedative so Kathryn spent an hour just inspecting her quarters. There was almost nothing decorating the walls. The only thing that even indicated the quarters were lived in was a pile of clothes in front of the replicator. Watching Seven nearly die by her own hand haunted Janeway for years. Every time she heard phaser fire, which was quite a bit, she flashed back to the dome, and the feeling of Seven’s bloody strands coiled around her fingers. No one should have to hold the body of someone they loved, especially if they loved them in secrecy.</p><p>When the idea for a new ship was proposed, Admiral Janeway accepted the task of overseeing it under the condition that it be named for Icheb. She oversaw the <em> USS Icheb’</em>s construction and once it was complete, assigned Captain Harry Kim to it. It felt like closure; she was able to finally atone for the death of her former First Officer and the young man Seven considered a son. It was all she could do given the fact that her actions caused their demise in the first place. </p><p>When Seven stormed into her office at the exact moment with vengeful eyes and passionate rage, Janeway was blown away. Her vigilante attire was alluring and powerful, traits she already possessed but now were blatantly obvious. Twenty years of pent up feelings spilled between them had made their communication clunky and erratic. Long gone were the days where conversation flowed between them in fluidic intercourse of enchantment and wonder. Now, their words were clipped, hostile, and picked with precision. The woman in front of her was no longer a drone, she was a human. The transformation, in Janeway’s eyes, was divine. It was all Seven had ever wanted. Unfortunately, her humanity had come with a cost that no one should have to pay. </p><p>After an emotional reconciliation on a couch in her office, she and Seven ended up talking well into the night and sleeping in separate rooms back at her apartment. The morning after brought up a lot of emotions and unresolved issues. When Seven, with her big empathetic eyes and gentle tone, asked if she had been able to grieve for Icheb and Chakotay, Janeway lost her composure. Feelings that had been pushed away for years began to bubble to the surface. She mourned as a Captain, and as someone who loved both of those men very deeply, albeit differently. Icheb felt like a child she was not allowed to see. Even if he was already grown when they had met, his bond with Seven and zest for science made them similar in a sense. Chakotay, well, he was a perfect example of wrong place, wrong time. They both knew it wouldn’t work, but it didn’t make the news of his death hurt less. </p><p>That realization was the catalyst for a small breakdown in her bedroom. Seven gave her space, which is what she needed. Emotions were embarrassing to her. She still carried around the antiquated belief that public displays of emotion were shameful and took away a crew’s faith in a captain. Though she was no longer a captain, her feelings remained the same. </p><p>That day marked a huge turn in their relationship. Seven stayed with her for a week before returning to her home. For now, they both agreed that giving each other space was crucial. They spent twenty years separated, which would take quite a while to recover from. They already spoke multiple times a day when possible. Sometimes Seven would spend a night or two, but they always ended up sleeping on separate sides of the bed or dozing on the large couch Janeway had in her living room. </p><p>Today, Janeway leaned back in her chair and rubbed her fingertips into her temple. A headache of massive proportions was brewing deep in her brain and not even a powerful hypospray from the Doctor eased the pain. The pressure from the mass-infection of the ex-drones and the internal debacle over what happened to Nechayev had resulted in one of the most stressful months of Janeway’s life. Everyone at Starfleet was up in arms trying to save face while also working to ensure that no drones could be reactivated again. </p><p>The tablet on her desk vibrated against the wooden surface and nearly knocked over a photo of her mother and sister. When she answered the call, she saw that Seven was in her backyard on the swing. The domesticity of all of it made her smile that much bigger. </p><p>“Hey, you,” Janeway said in a low voice, “I thought you were busy tonight?”</p><p>Seven smiled shyly and Janeway’s heart skipped a beat. During their initial years she never once saw a genuine smile come from Seven. It had taken a night filled with bourbon and cake to unearth the radiant smile that Janeway had come to love. She made a personal promise to bring out that smile as much as she could. A faint blush appeared on Seven’s tanned cheeks, and Janeway’s heart began to pound. Oh, how wonderful love felt. Love without consequence felt freeing in a way she could never imagine. The dangers were gone for now and although danger always loomed around the corner, they were safe for now. </p><p>“Admiral Paris asked if we could move our meeting to Monday instead of tonight. It’s Mehir’s birthday and I believe he wanted to spend the weekend with him. Of course, I welcomed a Friday night with no plans,” Seven raised her ocular implant and continued in a deep voice, “I thought maybe you’d like some company a day earlier than anticipated.”</p><p>The implication alone sent a tingle down her spine and made her breath catch in her throat, “I would love company. I’m afraid I feel a headache coming on though. Maybe a quiet night?”</p><p>“Oh goodness. Do you need anything?” Seven’s demeanor changed immediately. The quick shift from seductive to being a caretaker touched Janeway deeply. It took a lot for her to admit her needs and when she was hurting. </p><p>“I’ll be okay. I’ll bet after a night in your arms, I’ll feel just fine,” Kathryn raised her own eyebrow in return. She felt like an overenthusiastic male lead in a romance movie, but so long as she conveyed her feelings to Seven, amorous declarations of love were worth it. </p><p>Seven’s eyes widened and her mouth opened just a little bit. For a moment, Janeway wondered if the admittance was unwelcome or too emotional. When tears began to well up in Seven’s eyes, she began to worry. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Seven swiped at her eyes, “I’ve just waited so long to hear words like that. I know that we’ve entered some sort of relationship. There’s just always that fear in the back of my mind that tells me you’re going to leave me again. I can’t take that heartbreak.”</p><p>“I understand your fear, and I know that a few weeks isn’t going to undo years of my absence. How can I help?” Janeway noticed the time and decided her workday was over.</p><p>There was a heavy silence between them for a moment before Seven spoke, “I believe that time will ease my fears.”</p><p>“I can give you all the time that you need. Do you want to meet me at 20:00? I’ll project a movie and we can get cozy on the couch,” Kathryn offered. “Or, if you have a different idea, we can do that.”</p><p>“I have an idea that will work for both of us. Should I bring anything?” Seven sounded concerned. </p><p>Janeway shrugged and tried not to let on just how much her head had begun to hurt, “Just your beautiful self.”</p><p>Seven rolled her eyes and failed to contain her smile, “Okay, sweet talker.”</p><p>“Hey,” Janeway held her hands up in mock offense, “I’m just making up for the lost time.”</p><p>Seven shot her a warm smile and closed the channel. </p><p>If a ten minute conversation could change a whole day around, Janeway wondered what a weekend alone would do for her health. </p><p>-x-</p><p>After she got home, Janeway tossed her uniform aside and changed into the comfiest clothes she could find. The oversized shirt always made her feel small and the fuzzy socks were a product of the Janeway holiday gifting tradition.</p><p>A gentle knock rapped from the front door and Janeway smiled at how, even after two decades, Seven was the picture of punctuality. She opened the door and nearly melted at the sight of Seven in pajamas with a bag in her hands. </p><p>“You look so cute!” was Janeway could manage. She stepped aside and managed to sneak a peek at Seven’s long legs clad in simple black leggings. Not that the rest of her wasn’t appealing, but she had a weakness for strong legs, especially ones attached to her favorite Borg. </p><p>“I brought the ingredients for chicken soup!” Seven said, obviously very proud of herself. “Also, I brought you something small, but you can’t have it until after dinner.”</p><p>“All right,” Janeway eyed her with faux suspicion, “What is it?”</p><p>“I brought a loaf of your mother’s lavender lemon bread.” Seven began organizing things on the kitchen counter. “She told me explicitly not to let you eat it before dinner.”</p><p>“Where did you get that?” Janeway’s mouth watered at the mere mention of the delicacy. It was one of the only things she begged for when she made the trip to Indiana. </p><p>“When I stopped by. Where else would I have gotten a chicken soup recipe? Gretchen told me that it was your favorite treat as a child. So, she sent me here with a loaf and the soup recipe. Also, you’re supposed to call her soon. She misses you!”</p><p>She chuckled at that one. Of course her mother would send Seven with things for her. At this point, Kathryn had accepted the fact that Seven was her mother’s favorite child. She walked up to Seven, who had resumed her tasks at the stove, and wrapped her arms around her gently. She pressed her face into Seven’s strong back through her thick sweater and inhaled deeply. Seven smelled of baby powder and the smallest hint of lavender from the bread. Almost instantly, a calming sensation rippled down her body. </p><p>“I’ve missed you,” Janeway whispered into the fabric of Seven’s sweater, “It’s getting harder and harder to say goodbye.”</p><p>“I know the feeling. I believe it to be a good thing. I wake up thinking of you and I end the night speaking to you. You are my entire life,” Seven admitted while stirring ingredients. “Even if that sounds adolescent or naive, it is true. I have spent many years pondering why I sought out my humanity so desperately. I believe you are the answer. I wanted to be everything you wanted me to be. I used to believe that you would let me in if I was just a little more human.”</p><p>“I apologize if I ever made you feel that way,” Janeway was horrified. She let go of Seven and gently turned her around. When she saw that her eyes were watering, she brought both hands to Seven’s cheeks and wiped at her eyes with her thumbs. </p><p>Seven sighed, “You did not. It was my own insecurity and the awful things that Bjayzl instilled in me. I can’t help thinking that it did eventually come true. Once I became more familiar with human traits and behaviors, you let me in.”</p><p>“I assure you that was not my intention. I have loved you for as long as I can remember,” Janeway took a deep breath to calm herself, “I can’t recall a time when I wasn’t in love with you.”</p><p>Seven turned back and gave the soup another stir. It sloshed over the edge of the pot and tiny droplets scattered across the stovetop. Seven set the large spoon down and covered the pot. Next, she lowered the heat and grabbed for the towel that hung on the oven door. When that was done, she set the timer and turned around to face Janeway. She looked so defeated and small that Janeway’s heart cracked into pieces. </p><p>“Can we talk?” Seven began, “I just have a few things to get off of my chest. Nothing too bad.”</p><p>Janeway stepped backward and pressed herself against the center island in her kitchen. Her fingertips gripped the counter at her hips so desperately that when she motioned for Seven to move past her they were pasty white.</p><p> “Of course.”</p><p>Seven grabbed her hand with her metallic fingertips and pulled Janeway gently towards the kitchen table which sat generally unused. Most meals were eaten at the bar where the replicator was or at the desk in her study, which she tried not to make a habit of. Janeway cleared away a few envelopes and moved a bowl of fake fruit to clear a corner of the large wood table for them. The wood chair was cold and pressed uncomfortably on the bottom of her thighs. </p><p>Before they sat down, Seven leaned forward and kissed Janeway gently. It was sweetly familiar, which was not a bad thing. Affection between them took some getting used to. Even after a lifetime of knowing one another, it was still awkward at times. Both had hardships when it came to relationships, so lots of conversation and tentative touches had flowed between them in the past few weeks. </p><p>Kathryn melted under the kiss. It wasn’t rushed or frantic, but it was enough to make her sink into her chain with a grin. Warmth radiated from her chest and traveled throughout her body. Unable to hold back, she smiled larger than she had in years and dipped her head in embarrassment. This was not a schoolgirl crush, but she was still bashful at the playfulness in her heart. </p><p>“I need a few things from you, if you’re willing,” Seven began with her chin cradled in her hand and elbows on the table. “I don’t want to make demands so early into this. I’ve just had a lot of things happen to me.”</p><p>Janeway reached out and placed her hand palm-up. When Seven didn’t respond, she wiggled her fingers until a metallic hand slid into hers. Kathryn nodded to her and waited to see what she had to say. </p><p>“I need a commitment from you. Not marriage, not children. I just need something to think about on the days I don’t see you,” Seven pleaded gently. </p><p>“What did you have in mind?” Janeway asked cautiously. It wasn’t that she was unwilling to give anything, but she didn’t own much that would be of any meaning. “You’re welcome to anything that I have.”</p><p>“What I need isn’t an object,” Seven began, “I just have a simple request.”</p><p>“And that is?”</p><p>Seven leaned forward and brushed their lips together. After a few seconds, she pulled back and looked directly into Janeway’s eyes with a vulnerable oceanic gaze. Once more, the breath was stolen from Kathryn’s lungs at the woman’s beauty.</p><p>“Stay with me in New Mexico for a bit. Not too long. I just want time alone with you before I commit to a job with Starfleet.”</p><p>Janeway was skeptical, “That’s all you need?” </p><p>“I have a final request, though it may be a little hard for you,” Seven admitted. Kathryn caught off guard, was only able to look at her curiously. </p><p>“I require you to sit still for a prolonged period. Are you capable of that?” Seven teased gently. </p><p>Janeway laughed, almost relieved at how simple it seemed. She would do anything for the woman in front of her.</p><p>“Of course, anything for you.”</p><p>Seven raised her eyebrow, “Anything?”</p><p>-x-</p><p>After two bowls of the hearty soup and a slice of her mother’s treat split between them, Janeway felt infinitely better than she had before. The headache was still there, but it had gone from a violent pounding to more an uncomfortable ache.</p><p>Seven gathered their dishes and cleaned up their dinner mess. Afterward, she walked to Janeway and offered her a hand.</p><p>“It’s time to deliver on your promise,” she said sweetly. Janeway raised an eyebrow but stood up. Regardless of what Seven had planned, she would surely have a good time. </p><p>“I have two things I wish to do with you,” Seven gently tugged her to the bathroom. “You need to relax. I will run you a bath.”</p><p>Janeway sighed, “I can do that myself.”</p><p>“Yes, you can. But I know you,” Seven reached under the sink and grabbed a bag of Epsom salts and bubble bath, “Just because you are capable, doesn’t mean you’re going to. You have a strange aversion to whatever actions would ease your pain.”</p><p>“Are we talking about physical pain or…”</p><p>The question made Seven exhale roughly, “All of it.”</p><p>Janeway sensed the discomfort in the woman in front of her, so she quickly complied with her request. As she began to undress, she noticed that Seven had cast her eyes to the ground. The chill of the bathroom vent blew past her so she wrapped her arms around herself to warm herself up. As the tub filled, Kathryn began to feel a sense of fear settle in her belly. </p><p>“Ah, Seven. Could I also make a request?” Janeway said softly. When her favorite blue eyes flicked up to meet hers, she continued. “Will you get in with me?”</p><p>The surprise on Seven’s face would have been laughable, had Janeway not felt more vulnerable than a newborn kitten. Shame filled her body at the panic that began to tingle in her chest.</p><p>“I... had not planned on it. However, it does seem appealing,” Seven answered and began removing her shoes. </p><p>Janeway felt the tension in the front of her head finally dissipate as she sunk into the warm water. She breathed in deeply and reveled at the faint hint of lavender that seemed to follow her wherever she went. It was a toss-up at what relaxed her the most: the warm water or a nude Seven of Nine walking towards her. </p><p>“Across from you?” Seven motioned to the other end of the expansive clawfoot tub.</p><p>Janeway shook her head back and forth while motioning to her lap. “If you’ll entertain my anxiety, I would like to simply hold you like this.”</p><p>“Acceptable,” Seven’s face was hard to interpret. </p><p>With careful movements, Seven slid into Janeway’s lap and settled between her knees. She laid back and Janeway wrapped her arms around her. Kathryn’s cheek pressed against the base of Seven’s neck and soon she felt the ex-borg begin to tremble in her arms. It was a desperate recreation of their harrowing encounter in Bloomington, Indiana. </p><p>“That was the scariest moment of my life,” Kathyrn whispered, pressing her lips into Seven’s soft skin at the base of her neck. “I can barely talk about it without breaking down.”</p><p>“I know it’s been years, but I am thankful for your vigilance. I was unable to function. Grief and guilt ate me alive. The feelings have lessened, but I fear they will never go away,” Seven said, barely above a whisper. “I was scared too.”</p><p>“I needed to feel you like this, pressed into me, warm to the touch. You were so fragile, I could see the implants on your spine through your skin. Your face had been burned so badly from the sun, that I wondered if your skin would split. Lukewarm water burned you.” Janeway’s throat tightened. “I never want you to feel so helpless that you try and die again. What were you thinking?”</p><p>“That you had gotten the chance to show me a thunderstorm in Bloomington,” Seven leaned forward and added more hot water to the bathtub. “Even If you didn’t remember the promise.”</p><p>It was that moment that Janeway truly let herself go. A low moan shook her sternum as she wept into the warm, moistened skin of the woman in front of her. She wrapped her arms around Seven’s shoulders and pulled the woman as close to her as she could. Hot tears dripped from her face and fell into the bathtub, causing the bubbly water to ripple away. Her grip tightened on Seven so much that her arms began to shake from exertion. </p><p>When the sobs subsided, Janeway brought her lips from Seven’s back to her neck and laid a trail of small kisses down to her shoulder. </p><p>“I never meant to cause you so much pain,” Seven turned her head and body to capture Janeway in an apologetic kiss. “I just had no outlet. I was inexperienced with that level of emotion.”</p><p>“I believed hurting you was worth keeping you safe,” Janeway whispered, the words thick in her throat. “We can never forget, however, I believe we can forgive in due time. We both need to stop hurting you. You have never deserved any of the pain inflicted on you.”</p><p>Seven turned completely and sat on her knees, facing Janeway. When she looked up and made eye contact with Kathryn it made her shiver in anticipation. Bolts of intrigue shot through Kathryn at the sight of Seven covered in soapy bubbles, kneeling before her. It was… stimulating. </p><p>“I need you,” Seven moved closer to Janeway’s ear and whispered the rest, “I need you as close to me as you will allow.”</p><p>Janeway bit down on her lower lip and tried to silence the grumble of pleasure that burst from her chest. She slid a hand under them both and pulled the plug in the bathtub.</p><p> “Follow me.” </p><p>-x-</p><p>“I love you,” Seven whispered into the darkness of Janeway’s bedroom. Janeway shut the door behind them and wrapped her arms loosely around Seven’s terry cloth covered waist. She ran her hands up and down Seven’s back and trailed her fingers around the top of the towel. </p><p>“I’ll never get tired of hearing you say that,” Kathryn whispered back and pulled the woman close to her. “I dreamt about it for years. I always assumed that I would love you from afar until I died.”</p><p>“How strange,” Seven squeezed her hands, “I felt the same way.”</p><p>“We’re here now.” Janeway grabbed both of Seven’s hands and walked backward through the darkened room until the back of her knees hit her bed. She sat down, still holding onto Seven’s hands, and looked up at her with as much love as she could physically muster.</p><p>“Are you ready?” Kathryn whispered as she laid down on the chilled quilt. She felt Seven’s legs brush against hers as the taller woman loomed over her. She sat up on her elbows and nearly wept at how ethereal it all seemed. There was no way she deserved something so deliciously perfect. </p><p>Seven, bathed solely in a sliver of pearlescent moonlight that slid between the curtains of a window across from them, peeled off the towel covering her and threw it somewhere behind the bed. There was nothing in existence more beautiful than Seven of Nine standing over her like a marble statue in the center of the Louvre. </p><p>“Kathryn Janeway, I have dreamed of this moment from the moment I stepped foot on Earth. All I ever wished for in this life was to be the target of your affections - the object of your desires. My only complaint is that you are still wrapped in a towel and that is unacceptable.”</p><p>“I will comply,” Janeway chuckled once as she slipped the material off of her body. Immediately the chill of the room spilled onto her skin and caused goosebumps to appear up and down her body. She was incredibly vulnerable, it had been years since someone had seen her so exposed. One hungry look from the woman above her quickly brushed away her fears and made room for the sultry confidence she possessed. </p><p>Janeway gasped as Seven placed a knee on either side of her hip. Suddenly, a wet tongue was leaving a trail from her neck to her ribs. It continued its travels around her entire body, only stopping once it reached the area above her heart. The moistened tracks over her skin shone in the moon’s reflection. Her chest heaved with erratic breaths of utter devotion while her legs trembled with unabashed yearning.</p><p>“I have fantasized about this moment approximately one thousand times, and so far all of them have paled in comparison,” Seven’s lips dragged down her neck and began their descent further down. </p><p>“Speaking in approximations? I never thought I would see the day,” Janeway mused and then gasped when teeth met just below her ear.</p><p>“Well, Captain,” Seven said, teasing with the former title, “I am currently preoccupied. Though, at a later date, I would be willing to explain all of the scenarios.”</p><p>Janeway brought her hands up and cupped Seven’s face, “I might actually enjoy that.”</p><p>“I will remember that for later. But, for now, I have more pressing issues.”</p><p>“Before you have too much fun, I need to ask - is there anything that’s completely off limits?” Kathryn slid her hands from Seven’s chin and onto her chest, pressing and swirling a thumb against the soft skin of her breast. With her other hand, she trailed her fingertips up and down Seven’s lower back. </p><p>“Please do not press my hands over my head,” Seven admitted. “It’s something that never sat well with me.”</p><p>“Noted,” Janeway brought her mouth up to cover the skin her hands had just occupied. The bottom swell of Seven’s breast was her new favorite place. “She did it anyway?”</p><p>“Yes. However, you may keep doing that forever,” Seven said with a dreamy sigh. “This might be the happiest moment of my life.”</p><p>Janeway smiled as she relinquished her attention from Seven’s bust and pressed a kiss into the skin right below Seven’s collarbone, “I hope it’s longer than a moment.”</p><p>Seven responded by sitting gently on Kathryn’s pelvis and rolling her hips a few times. Janeway, unable to resist, latched onto a nipple that was dangerously close to her face while her hand came up to pay attention to the other one. Every pinch or flick made Seven’s hips buck, so Janeway used that to her advantage. </p><p>Suddenly, one of Seven’s hands slid fluidly down Kathryn’s body and Janeway flexed her calves in anticipation. When the woman above her finally made contact, an electric buzz jolted through her body. It had been so long since she had been touched so intimately but goddamn, it was worth it. Seven’s hand continued to tease and manipulate until Janeway was trembling on the bed, absolutely mewling with need. Sweat coated her body like glitter in the moonlight that still illuminated their naked bodies. Kathryn’s breaths matched the pace of Seven’s ministrations. </p><p>Little grunts came from Seven, who had set her forehead against Janeway’s shoulder. The tiny noises of unadulterated lust were overwhelmingly erotic. Then, it happened. Waves of euphoria surged through her veins and overpowered every thought her mind could manage. There was no Starfleet, no Bjayzl, no Borg. There was only Kathryn, Seven of Nine, and twenty years of insufferable pressure that burst and left them boneless and panting. </p><p>While she attempted to regulate her breathing, Seven laid beside her and nuzzled her face into Janeway’s shoulder. She placed tiny kisses along Janeway’s slippery skin and finished with a gentlest bite to her earlobe.</p><p>Janeway slid out from her grasp and rolled onto her side to face Seven. Her metallic implants shone in the light and for a moment, Janeway felt such a love for her that it nearly rendered her unconscious.  </p><p>“You’re just so beautiful. I don’t understand what I did to be here right now,” Kathryn admitted, clearly astonished. “I don’t deserve you.”</p><p>“I’ll have none of that. We wouldn’t even exist had you not severed me from the collective,” Seven reprimanded her. “You put me ahead of your desires. I think that might make you one of the most selfless people I know.”</p><p>“To be fair, you know some awful people,” Janeway laughed as she gently pushed Seven onto her back and slid close to her. “That’s okay, I do too.”</p><p>“Oh,” Seven whimpered as Janeway’s steady hand began her descent. She caressed the soft skin marred by implants and soon Seven was spooned into her. Hands roamed over Seven’s body from behind and soon Janeway could feel Seven backside pressed into her groin.</p><p>When her hands arrived at Seven’s lower abdomen, she slid a hand on the inside of Seven’s thigh and pulled it towards her. She then bit gently on Seven’s shoulder as she entered her from behind with calculated precision. Most of the emotions coursing through her were expected. But, as Seven bucked and rocked with her, Janeway was surprised by just how proud she was. </p><p>Proud of Seven for surviving so much.</p><p>Proud of her ability to adapt. </p><p>Proud of the two of them being so irrevocably in love that even two decades of heartbreak couldn’t crack them. Their adoration was unwavering, as was their desire to make it work. </p><p>Soon, Seven was keening in her arms and gulping air as if life support was fading. Janeway brought her lips to the starburst implant on her cheek and kissed it as they moved back and forth. She whispered sweet nothings into her ear until Seven’s head shot backward into Kathryn’s collarbones and her body tensed. A few moments later, she went slack and rolled onto her stomach and elbows. </p><p>“Oh,” Seven puffed, blowing hair out of her face. “Had I know we could have been doing that for years, I would have tried a little harder.”</p><p>The joke was funny, but it hit Kathryn deep in her soul. Suddenly, bulbous tears were dripping down her face onto the pattern on the quilt below her. </p><p> “Kathryn?” Seven sounded alarmed. “Are you damaged?”</p><p>Janeway noticed that Seven slipped back into her clipped Borg tone, which meant she was truly caught off guard. </p><p>“No, I’m fine. I apologize - a wave of emotion came over me. I have strange feelings surrounding death, and it just occurred to me how close I came to losing you multiple times. So many people, including yourself, have tried to hurt you.”</p><p>Seven leaned over and placed a warm kiss to her forehead, “I don’t blame you. Please, forgive yourself. I’ve forgiven you, you must do the same.”</p><p>“I’ll try. In the meantime, let’s try and get some sleep. Do you need pajamas?” Janeway rose from the bed and attempted to stretch the muscles in her back. Her body ached most deliciously and her headache was mysteriously gone. </p><p>“I can use what I wore here,” Seven offered shyly. “However, if one of your old long shirts from the Delta Quadrant were around, I would happily wear that.”</p><p>Janeway flipped on the light and grimaced when it burned her eyes, “You know, for someone who is quite literally made of steel, you sure are a softie.”</p><p>“I want to resent that, but I know it to be true,” Seven laughed as she headed to the restroom. She turned around and winked at Janeway, “I know how much you love to watch me leave.”</p><p>Janeway flushed immediately, embarrassed at her transparency. The gentle ribbing was adorable, even if it made her feel like the biggest sap on Earth. </p><p>-x-</p><p>“Whatcha doin’?” Janeway sat down at the end of the couch and patted Seven’s blanketed feet. The woman looked pretty cozy tucked away in a simple tank top and blanket around her. On the table, a mug of tea sat half drunk. </p><p>“This book seemed well-worn which indicated that it was read often. I never understood the nuance of poetry. However, I believe I understand it now.” Seven told her. </p><p>“I see,” Janeway mused. </p><p>“Do you recall when I told you that I had a request, and I wanted you to sit still?” Seven asked, her eyes darting from the book to Janeway’s. </p><p>“That was weeks ago. I honestly had forgotten about it. Granted, I had a hell of a headache. But, something mysteriously made me forget all about that.” Janeway winked at Seven and patted her feet. “You did say there was a second part. What was it?”</p><p>“I wanted you to let me read to you,” Seven admitted shyly. “It was something Gretchen did to me while I was recuperating and I wished to replicate the experience for you. I thought perhaps it would alleviate your headache. Considering we found other things to do, I thought that I could do that for you soon.”</p><p>“Well, as of an hour ago, I’m officially on vacation for the next fourteen days. So, I’m at your beck and call until we arrive in New Mexico tomorrow!”</p><p>Seven lifted up the blanket with one hand and raised the book in the other. Janeway took the hint and sat in the proffered spot and slid back into her - a perfect mirror of their position in the bathtub weeks ago. She closed her eyes and let her head fall back onto Seven’s cozy chest. Immediately, Seven began to recite the poetry from the book in an enticing rumble. Wisps of hair escaped her haphazard ponytail and tickled Janeway’s face. </p><p>Of course, she picked Sappho. </p><p>The vibrations from her voice lulled Janeway into a trance-like state. She was so content, that it seemed to be too perfect to be her life. Everything - everyone - that she ever wanted was wrapped around her in a security blanket of safety and loyalty. Above her, Seven continued to recite poetry with a thick, emotional voice. </p><p>
  <em> “You came and I was crazy for you and you cooled my mind that burned with longing.”  </em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I had some requests to write from Janeway's perspective! It was very fun. Thank you to everyone who has been so kind to me.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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